I was once very happy enjoying the view from the pew. It is much easier (and much more comfortable) for me to be another face in the crowd. I for some reason don't do easy. Easy isn't very exciting. Easy is too...easy. I enjoy the adventure that comes with serving the Church and overcoming a good challenge. And nothing says challenge like "Go, in peace glorifying the Lord by your life".
I don't exactly live my life in complete opposition to this, however there is just enough self doubt to keep me striving for betterment. Like many things in life there is always room for improvement. When I examine carefully where most of my time and energy is spent I can confidently say it is spent serving others. With love in my heart and a joyful disposition...not exactly.
I walk that line between contentment and discomfort where trust and doubt reside. It is very easy for me to condemn myself for not saying yes to the latest request, or for being less than cheerful at an event when other responsibilities are being neglected. As stated above, I don't do easy.
I dare to hold my head up high and challenge myself to trust that I am where I am supposed to be. When I falter with criticism, hatred, jealousy, and envy toward others I hold myself accountable for my weaknesses; my humanity. This is when things get uncomfortable. Doubt takes up residence within and fear enters my thoughts. Fears of inadequacy, acceptance, and making a fool of myself.
This crazy battle within my being is one I have grown all too familiar with, but nonetheless continue to battle. I have learned to address my fears with self honesty. I hold myself accountable and I also forgive myself for being weak. But what I cannot do is surrender to the fear. I lay off the self induced guilt trip and faithfully allow my weaknesses to be my motivation. When things get uncomfortable for me I surrender my being to reside in the hands of the Lord.